Becoming A Pearl – My Truth
Everyone goes through ups and downs in life and this is not something you learn in school or University. I wish there were or are curriculums in schools that helps you get ready for the challenges one faces in life but unfortunately there are not. I guess that’s why we have the saying ‘Experience is the Best Teacher’.
I’ve had ups and downs but I’m currently in one of the toughest seasons of my life. I am not writing this for anyone to feel sorry for me because it’s all part of the school of life and I have to learn and grow and become better. I mean, how will I become a beautiful pearl if I do not go through the pressure.
The formation of a pearl begins when a foreign substance slips into the oyster between the mantle and the shell, which irritates the mantle. It’s kind of like the oyster getting a splinter. The oyster’s natural reaction is to cover up that irritant to protect itself. The mantle covers the irritant with layers of the same nacre substance that is used to create the shell. This eventually forms a pearl. httppsanimals.howstuffworks.com/marine-life/questions630.htm
A Nacre also known as mother of pearl, is an organic-inorganic composite material produced by some mollusks as an inner shell layer; it is also the material of which pearls are composed. It is strong, resilient, and iridescent. (wikipedia)
So how did I get here? I was just being obedient to God. An opportunity came knocking and your girl was not ready for that. There are so many reasons why I thought this opportunity was wrong which I’ll talk about another time. This opportunity was going to make me move to a whole other country (USA to be precise) and start life afresh. I was comfortable where I was at that time and so I struggled with that thought. I fasted and prayed about it a lot. I’m talking about 3 months of fasting and praying. Although the fasting was not everyday, my point is, this bothered me a lot.
Who does not want to move to the US? Most people would want to but I did not at that time. I lived in the UK for almost 5 years, Studying and working to make ends meet and it was a WHOLE struggle. I was not ready to go through that again. I JUST WAS NOT! I’ll go to work and by noon I was done with everything I was supposed to do. I was a Manager by then with my own office and one person working with me. I was also made the assistant Youth coordinator at our church and when you’re the assistant of something most of the workload is on you plus the coordinator of the Youth was out of town most of the year at that time. Here I was thinking up events for the youth while planning a book launch for one of our Youth who had just finished writing her book. I absolutely loved everything I was doing. My life was busy and I love that; although, I am currently learning to rest. On top of that I got sick for about 6 weeks due to some tests I took at a hospital that did not go too well. I lost a lot of weight and I mean trousers running down I had to pin it so it fits.
This opportunity came in the midst of all of this and I was like Nope, ain’t gon happen. I was soooo troubled that I would go to the boardroom at work and pray. Close friends and family knew about this and most of them were like ‘you have to go’, ‘This is great for you’, my best friend who is like my sister said, ‘If I had this opportunity I would not even think twice about it’. And I was like how will this person feel and how will that person feel and some of them were like ‘are you seriously thinking about these people’? I was like yeahhh common. Especially the company I was working for, on top of that I was just promoted for crying out loud. Think about them! My friends just laughed at me and said ‘you’re not serious’.
While thinking and praying I picked a book from my little sister’s room. I naturally love to read and I have read a lot of books that I have forgotten some of the titles. This book I can never forget its title. ‘Imitation is Limitation’ by John Mason. I think I need to read it again. Everything I was reading in this book was confirming what God wanted me to do. I was like okay God I hear you (then roll my eyes; lol). Couple of years ago God had shown me this (the move) but I did not remember it at that time and even before this happened I had a word of prophecy from a family friend on my birthday (March 9) that I was going to travel that year but he never said where. When he said that, I was happy because in my mind it’s going to happen in the Ember months and my company was going to be the one making this travel happen because the MD/CEO had plans of me going on training. So I knew that was why I was going to travel not this move. I delayed the decision for the move because I knew I was going to travel because of work but again I did not want to travel and then come back and say I no longer want to work with the company. That will be a waste of money for them. Y’all from October of the previous year to July of the year of the move, I had not gone on that training (smh).
Meanwhile I was still praying even though I have gotten a confirmation. I already had a visa because I had been to the US for vacation and another time for my friend’s wedding. So it was not like that was my first time. I always went and came back and that was my plan to go and come back. I was going to look at what this opportunity entailed and whether it was favorable for me. I love to listen to the word and in that time, every message I listened to confirmed that I was to go. That was my second confirmation. I cried when I was leaving. I am very family oriented and being away from family for the second time was hard for me. Even though I had a sister already studying in the US, but I was not going to live with her. We would be four hours away by flight; and that did not really help. I was hurt. Why would God want me to do this? As I write this I am tearing up.
I got here and my first week I fasted and prayed again just because I needed another confirmation. I had a meeting set up for the end of that week and I wanted to make sure I knew what I was going to say. While fasting and praying I had a dream and that was the cherry on the icing. I did not understand the dream so I asked God for the interpretation and He explained it to me. (There’s going to be a part two to this blog later where I’ll give more details but for now just bare with this).
When He showed me what it was, it all made sense to me. I finally had peace in my heart. Because now if anything goes wrong I won’t have to blame anyone else but God. At least I can go back to Him and complain and shout and lament. He also told me this that if I ever go back without receiving the package, that will be me quitting on Him. I was happy with this, thinking, since God has spoken, He will speed things up and within a year everything will be fine because He is God and He can do everything. I mean Psalm 24 says the earth is the Lord’s and the fullness thereof; the world and they that dwell in it. He is God, He can make the impossible happen. No one can stand against the Lord. NO ONE! So I’m here all happy going for my meeting already knowing what I was going to say. You know, excited about this. Everything went well but I was in for the shock of my life.
The first year was rough. The process did not go as planned and God was silent on me. I started getting depression and anxiety. Every quarter of my first year I would weep for three hours nonstop. I will wake up in the middle of the night and cry. The people I was living with did not even know this. I was like God why did you do this to me. What did I do wrong, why me and He was silent. In the midst of my crying session (lol) I would play one of William Mcdowell’s worship nights on YouTube, https://youtu.be/oXIcVEH5zuM (One of my favorites, I still listen to it from time to time) which I listened to every quarter I was breaking down like this. My life started going in a different direction which I hated because that was not me. A different me was coming up that I did not know and I started going deeper in depression. I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to die because this was too much for me. I felt like God has given me more than I could carry.
I have had depression and anxiety before but back then I did not know what it was. I had two heartbreaks and in each of them I had depression and anxiety but I did not know then that that was it. I just thought I was reacting to the issue. I just wanted to die. In fact during one of the heartbreaks, my Father found me locked up in my wardrobe on a Sunday Morning and I think he was supposed to preach that day but gave it to someone else to do it or something. I don’t know because I did not go to church that day. He was very disturbed and I could not explain the reason to him then. But now I know what it was so that’s why I wanted to pray about it. I wish I could afford Therapy I would have gone.
Towards the end of my first year when nothing had gone through for me I started planning my exit. I would work more hours and save up for the next three months then go. I was happy with that decision. In the midst of me planning my exit, I lost my job. Whaaaaaat. How was I going to gather the money to book a flight to go back. So many questions were coming at me. God what is going on here? How I’m I going to pay my rent and phone bill? It was hard y’all. Again I was depressed the more. I braided hair very well and could babysit (I loved kids and I knew how to handle them) and I also had a CPR certificate. So I started looking for people that wanted someone to help with their kids and or braid their hair while looking for a job which I got 2 months after I lost the other one. Then I received a letter that my process had started and I was relieved. I was like it’s all the way up from here. Everything will be fine. ‘I’m all the way up, Nothing can stop me, I’m all the way up’. (Song by Fat Joe, Remy Ma). That’s how I was feeling.
Well things became a little bit stable but I wanted a job in my career which is a story for another day (How I had to obey and trust God to find a job in my career path). I was doing other jobs while applying for a job in my area of expertise which is Finance. This was my second year and I remember there were days my body will just shut down on me. I remember this particular week I could not sleep. Two nights I was wide awake then the third night I would manage and sleep then the next two nights I would not sleep then the third I would. When it happened a third time, I had to call my work and tell them I could not make it. I felt my body giving up on me.
My second year I slept for only four hours in a day for one year because I was working two jobs. I left home at 5 am to start a job at 6 am that ended at 4:30 pm to go to another job that started at 5:30 pm to 9 pm or 10 pm some days, while sleeping on a two seater couch. Thankfully I am short so I could fit there though not with legs stretched out but it was manageable. When I closed from that job most times it was a two hour journey back home. On days I closed early I would get home at 11 pm but mostly I got home at midnight and had to wake up at 4/4:30 am to get ready for work. Thankfully the bus stop was right in front of my apartment but days I just couldn’t, an Uber will do. The only reason why I took a second job was because I wanted to get paid as much as I did in my first job but even with the two jobs I was never able to. My first job was during my first year; I worked from 8 am to 6 pm and by 7 pm I was home till the next day.
When depression was setting in again I called my youth pastor’s wife and explained things to her. In fact I did not get her when I called so I left her a voice message crying on the phone. This woman has not stopped calling me since that day. At least in a week she would have called me two or three times to check up on me. She’s one of the destiny helpers God used to connect me to jobs and people that would help me get the job in my career. I was not even close to her at that time but at that point in my life I knew I needed someone right here to talk to and pray with me. Someone who lives here and knows how these things can be; not someone far away. Sometimes people back home do not know how hard it can be living in these parts of the world and that was one of the reasons I did not want to move. When you’re going through stuff like these, you need to find someone you trust whom you can talk to because life can be hard and like I always say suicide is not the best thing to do. There are lives connected to your breakthrough.
Its true that people don’t really post what they are going through on Social Media. I mean I do not even have the strength to go on Social Media to do anything talk-less of posting stuff I was going through that moment. Even after that I don’t think I would want to. So when I post a picture on my SM and you see me having fun, well dressed, smiling etc. I WORKED HARD FOR IT!!! I worked hard for me to even smile, I worked hard to take myself out because I did that sometimes, I worked hard to earn that money to be able to go out and have fun. 10 hours a day in my 1st year and 17 hours a day in my 2nd year half of the time standing up. One thing I know is that I am not going to be working hard and paying bills and supporting my family and not take care of myself because I am also Important to me. Taking care of myself is therapeutic to me and what’s more therapeutic to me is going for a manicure and pedicure (lol). I love to cook and so after working hard and then on my free day cooking a meal which is also work too; I am not going to sit and take nail polish and start painting my nails. Nooooooooo. I’ll rather pay for that because I am tired and doing this relaxes me.
Although God was silent on me, He was always making a way for me, bringing me destiny helpers, bringing me jobs that were in my career. Even though I get into depression mode once a while now but one thing is for sure I did not or will never stop pushing or fighting, fasting and praying. In fact I know I’m a better person now than I was four years ago. I have made some mistakes here but I have learnt from them. God is speaking again. I mean Barrier Breakers Corner is here because He spoke. I remember one night when the Holy Spirit said to me, your assignment is calling on you, over and over again and so even though my social media page, YouTube or website may not look as good as I may want it to be for The BBCorner, I just had to be obedient to God.
I don’t know how many people went through this but when I was much younger my mum always bought shoes a size up for us so we will grow in them. In fact when I moved to the UK for Uni I thought I wore a UK size 5 but i realized a size 4 fitted better. I thought my feet shrunk lol until my cousin told me it could be that you always wore a size up and she was right.
The same way I believe God put me in a place and also gave me The BBCorner for me to grow and fit into. I am still a work in progress, still learning, still growing. I may not be where I want to be but I am not where I used to be and I thank God for that. Though he slay me, yet shall I trust Him. That’s a tough cookie to crack but I rest in Him knowing that the plans He has for me are plans of good and not of evil, to give me hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11. Amen
I wrote something the other day on IG with a picture which I’ll attach at the bottom. I said:
Some days can be rough, sometimes I miss a step but I know I have to keep swaying, keep swinging, keep moving and very soon I’ll move according to the rhythm God set for me. For now I’m learning but even when I get it right I’ll still be learning – Jois
I was fine the day I wrote this, I was just telling my truth but then the next day I got into depression mode, I went to work and just could not stay there. I spent less than 2 hours at work and had to leave. I felt my world crumbling. I was also on my cycle so it could just be part of what caused it; I do not know. Thankfully I was listening to preaching and praying. Got home and prayed some more. Went to the DMV to renew my state ID and after 5 hours of waiting I was told there is another Document which I had renewed but not received yet that they needed for them to renew my state ID. Yooooooooo it was just an ugly day, I was broken but I stayed calm, cried it out, prayed a little and just placed everything in God’s hands.
But Just like the Nacre in an Oyster, we have to become strong and resilient so we can be beautiful pearls. I don’t think I have become that Pearl yet but one thing I do know;
I AM BECOMING A PEARL and very soon I will be IRIDESCENT.
Jeremiah 29:11 – For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”. Trust the process in Becoming a Pearl.